This is the beginning of the end. This is where my forever leads, down a sad path I chose for myself. It wouldn’t have been my decision. I would never have chosen him over Bennett. I had no choice. Bennett’s life hangs in the balance and I’m not one for letting him die. He deserves a bright life.
He deserves to be happy even if it’s with one of Noah’s kidneys.
He deserves to find someone to love.
Unfortunately, it won’t be me and that hurts more than anything else ever could.
Noah is happy with my decision.
Cassie is pissed at me, and I’m not sure Bennett will ever forgive me. In fact, I moved in with Noah and left all that happiness behind.
The office has been run by Cassie while I sit back and cry in a corner every day. I have no energy left.
Everything that has ever meant anything to me is in my past.
The goodbyes hurt.
Everything that has made me happy no longer exists in my life. Noah tries to cheer me up but he’s the last person I want cheering me up.
I wish he’d died.
I wish he’d died the first time.
I wish he’d died the second time.
I just wish he’d died.
How am I supposed to go on pretending everything is great in my life when I miss Bennett every second of my day? I can’t concentrate on anything.
All I want is him.
All I want to do is run to him.
He would never forgive me for what I’ve done.
He would never understand.
“Babe,” Noah shouts from the kitchen as I sit in the living room staring out onto the streets watching cars zoom by.
“What?” I mumble with no care in the world.
“Jerk won’t leave until he’s seen you’re alive,” he utters annoyed.
Jerk? I leave the living room and head towards the kitchen as I see Bennett standing in the doorway.
“You couldn’t ask him to come in?” I snarl at Noah.
“Why should I?” he sits at the kitchen counter and watches us interact.
“Can we talk?” Bennett asks as I see the evil in Noah’s eyes.
“It’s not nice to call your old friends Jerks,” I utter to Noah as I decide to leave the house with Bennett.
“How are you doing?” he sees the pain in my eyes.
“I’m good. I’m sorry he’s being an ass,” I mumble, “What are you doing here?”
“I had to see for myself that you’ve moved on,” he sighs.
“I didn’t,” I whisper, but he heard me.
“What?’ you can tell he expects me to repeat myself.
“Nothing,” I utter.
“Bullshit,” Bennett raises his voice as I jump at his words.
As I turn to head back into the house I feel his hand grab hold of me and pull me back towards him, “I love you. I loved you back then, I love you now, and I know when something isn’t right, and something is clearly not right. Your eyes are bloodshot, babe, don’t you think that I can’t see that.”
“I chose him,” I whisper looking on the ground.
“Why did you choose him? If you can tell me that I’ll leave.”
“Because I love him,” I avoid eye contact.
“Bullshit, again,” Bennett huffs.
“Bennett, please, just leave.”
“I’ll find the real reason,” he pulls away from me.
“Hospital,” I murmur as I leave him behind not looking at him, too afraid I’ll fall once I see his beautiful eyes staring back at me.
I know I might have fucked up by telling him where he can find his answers. I made a promise to Noah that I would never tell Bennett why I chose Noah. I made a promise in return for someone’s life. But after it’s all said and done and Bennett gets to live his life to the fullest, should I continue to suffer through the pain of this lie?
Every day I battle with the thoughts of coming clean, afraid Bennett would despise me for it. Thoughts also cross my mind that he might forgive me and take me back into his arms where I truly belong.
I haven’t been intimate with Noah, there’s no way I can ever be. I know I chose him and promised to love him in return, but the pain sits too deep to pursue anything with him. There’s only one man I love and one man I’ll continue to love till my dying breath.
Cuddled up next to me Noah sits on the couch watching television. My thoughts are otherwise preoccupied and I’m not paying attention to the love scene happening on the screen before me. I feel Noah’s hand graze my body, but his touch revolts me.
“I’m going to bed,” I utter as I slide out of his hold.
“I’ll come with you.” I ignore his words just like I’ve ignored him every day since the day I promised to be with him.