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Keeper by Amy Daws (1)


My Dearest Booker Harris,

I’m emailing to inform you that I’m moving back to London in a couple of weeks. Germany has been lovely, but I miss my home country.

I thought you might like to know. ;)



Miss Surprising Poppy McAdams,

Wait…wait…What? You’re coming back? Where are you living? Why are you coming back? Did you get a new job? It’s been six years since I laid eyes on you, and you inform me you’re coming back via email? Call me sensitive, but is your mobile broken?



Mr. Detail Manwhore,

You would have been able to lay eyes on me if you had that thing called Facebook. Or Instagram. Or Twitter. What kind of twenty-five-year-old bloke doesn’t have social media?

p.s. I would have called, but I’m more pithy via email and that annoys you, so just enjoy it. ;)



Miss Pithy,

Social media is annoying. And let’s face it, once you’ve seen one dick pic, you’ve seen them all.



Mr. Dick Pic?

Funny, I would have thought as a famous footy player, you’d get more tit pics than dick pics. Maybe some dirty knickers…That sort of thing. My mind could go wild with possibilities.



Miss Active Imagination,

It’s those possibilities that keep me off social media for good. Plus, I enjoy being mysterious. ;)

So, where are you staying? New job?



Mr. Persistent Detail Manwhore,

It pains me to say this, but I’m going to stay with the parental units for a couple of months. And you guessed it. I got a job teaching German to Year 7’s at a private school in Hoxton. I start in September.

However, the school also offered me a night class position teaching English as a foreign language in their learning annex in Shoreditch. Another teacher backed out last minute and the money is too good to pass up, so I’m coming home early. I’ll be a proper Chigwell commuter bee from May until my flat opens up in July.



Miss Commuter Bee,

You’re going to commute from Chigwell? You’ll have to take a train or bus and then transfer to the Tube. That’ll probably take at least an hour. You’ll have to get a car.



Mr. Read Between the Lines,

Money is tight. That’s why I’m coming back early for the great-paying secondary job. Travelling the world and higher education is hard on a savings account. ;)



Miss Low Funds,

Taking the train or bus at night doesn’t sound very safe. Haven’t you heard any of those human trafficking horror stories? I recently attended a charity event about it, and I couldn’t sleep for weeks. You’ll stay with me.



Mr. Confusing,

How would staying IN CHIGWELL at your dad’s be any better than my parents’? Have you forgotten we’re neighbours? I’ve been gone a while, but my memory is apparently far superior to yours.



Miss Destiny,

I’m moving, literally in two weeks. Vi found a flat for me in Shoreditch of all places. This couldn’t be more perfect and you know it.



Mr. Newsworthy,

You’re finally moving out of your dad’s! Go you! Congratulations! Maybe now you’ll have a bit of a life outside of football.



Miss Flatmate,

Don’t avoid the offer. You’re staying with me and that’s all there is to it.



Mr. Bossy Booker,

I know we’ve known each other forever, but two months is a long time to stay with someone you haven’t seen in SIX YEARS!




You’re still my best friend. You may have buggered off to Germany for far too long, but nothing changes that fact. You staying with me until your flat opens up is destiny’s way of giving us an opportunity to rekindle our friendship. Also, rent will be highly competitive. I accept payment in the form of hugs.



Mr. Cheesy,

Who are you and what have you done with my best mate, Booker Harris? I thought you only hugged me when I cried. Where’s the brooding little boy who used sticks to pick the dirt out from under his fingernails?



Miss Denial,

You’ll be pleased to know that my personal hygiene has improved immensely since primary school, which should make paying rent more enjoyable. Plus, I’ll say whatever is necessary to keep you from commuting night after night. Poppy. I’m not kidding. This is East London. You’re staying with me and I don’t want to hear any more argument.



Mr. Practical,

I hope you know what you’re offering. You do remember what I’m like, right?



Miss Poppy,

I fully expect to hear you singing in the shower.

-Booker a.k.a. Your Future Flatmate, even though you won’t admit it yet