* * *
My life is fucked. I’ve come to accept this fact since realizing that the women in my life have taken over. I have no idea when Kat took my balls, but sure as fuck she has ‘em. “You two ready?”
I mumbled some choice words under my breath and rolled my eyes at my annoying ass wife. My two girls were all smiles and excitement as they came towards me where I stood waiting for them at the door.
Last week I’d taken their brothers for a night out with the guys and their nosy ass mother and mine got it into their heads that I had to do the same with them. The fuck!
First of all, I know fuck all about daughters, unless their mother is there to lead the way. And it has been quite some time since she’s dragged my ass off somewhere with the whole lot of ‘em.
Suddenly I’m a neglectful father and I show the boys favoritism yadda-yadda-yadda. She knew just how to get under my skin, how to hit below the belt.
I think she’s been taking lessons from my mother or some shit. So as to keep the hen pack off my ass I’ve decided to grin and bear it, because these women are getting more vicious the older they get.
Before Elena has Char hex my ass like they did the pothead, I’ma toe the line and keep the peace. Kat’s ass is gonna get it though, some way somehow, when she least expects it.
She knows damn well that I love all my kids, but what the fuck am I supposed to do with two little girls, one of them a damn serial killer in the making?
Caitiebear is a little easier to manage, I know where her head is at. School and that damn boy. Mengele, not so much. Her squirrely ass can flip on a dime.
The two of them were all but jumping out of their skin with excitement though, so I figured there might be something to what their mother suggested. A night out with daddy, just me, and them.
I kept a wary eye on the little one as she sidled up to me and reached for my hand. She’s too damn
cute for her own good and that’s the problem. She has these ringlet curls all over her head that fall to just above her shoulders, wide bright blue eyes, and dimples. Total fuck storm.
That shit helps her get away with her fuckery. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t the one to fall for her batting eyes bullshit but figured why start the evening off on that foot.
Her mother had put a ribbon in her platinum curls and if she didn’t look like somebody’s innocent little darling I don’t know what. Fucking con. Then I noticed the bag she was holding like it held the secret to life.
“Mengele what you got in that bag?” Damn bag was almost as big as she is. Her grandma Tina for some fucked up reason got her into bags, like a five year old needs that shit.
If anyone didn’t need a cache it was this one. Who the fuck knows what kinda contraband she had hidden in there.
She bit into the corner of her lip and her eyes got fishy as fuck. My nuts were already looking for cover. Every other day it’s some shit with this kid.
“Nothing daddy.” She patted the leather and gave me an innocent smile. Yeah, like I trust that shit. “Open it please.” She pouted and opened the zipper while trying to keep me from seeing in.
“What the fu…KAT.” She lowered the camera that she’d been using to snap a million and one pics like we weren’t coming back and glared at me.
“Where’d she get this stuff?” There was pepper spray in there, which I’d given her, so I wasn’t worried about that shit.
It was the tubes of lip-gloss and some kind of glittery shit that I didn’t know what the fuck, that had me heated.
I held out my hand and she emptied the contents of her little stash. “What daddy?” she held the last tube of pale pink goop out of reach while her mother tried convincing me that it was nothing.
I didn’t even bother answering her, just threw the crap on the nearest chair, checked that Caitie Bear wasn’t wearing any gook on her face and headed out.
I made sure to slam the door so Kat knew I didn’t appreciate her underhanded tactics, but her laughter coming through the closed door told me she didn’t give a good damn.
Pregnancy has made her bold. She thinks she’s safe and Elena keeps putting shit in her head. I keep telling her ass that Elena isn’t going to be the one with a red ass in the future, but she seems to think I have a short memory or some shit.
I made sure my little princesses were strapped in after they had a little scuffle over who was sitting up front next to daddy. I held my tongue and minded my own.
I guess Caitiebear won that round because I heard misery mutter ‘fine but I get to sit up front on the way back.’ Why the fuck me? We hadn’t even made it out the driveway.
Of course the game of fifty questions started as soon as I pulled out of the driveway and I tried to keep up with her shit while her big sister played on her phone.
“Put it away Caitiebear.” Damn kid lived on that thing. If she knew I read all her shit she wouldn’t be on it as much I’m sure.
Lucky for her I haven’t found anything incriminating so far. She’s still talking to that boy. I guess his ass didn’t move far enough away. Too bad!
The fuckers who’d sent her that message a few months ago hadn’t tried anything since but I was still on high alert.
I had every bell and whistle on the market on all her shit. Short of taking them away from her and unleashing the wrath of the hen pack, it’s the best I can do.
Her nosy ass mother doesn’t know and still doesn’t have a clue that I have her ass tagged as well, which makes my life easy. But ain’t shit I can do about my kid becoming a teenage beauty. Fuck!
She closed her phone and gave me one of those teenage looks that was supposed to make me feel like an imbecile. Good luck with that.
I’ve outsmarted Kat’s ass all these years, her ringers aren’t going to get anything over on me. So far I’ve been lucky, they’re all good kids…and then there’s the little one.
I eyed the backseat to make sure Hitler’s youth wasn’t doing some shit back there that she wasn’t supposed to, before turning my attention back to my firstborn.
“How’s school going?” I addressed the question to both of them. Caitlin just shrugged but the terror in the back had a lot to say.
She had a tale for every damn day of the week. “They’re gonna put you away the next time you get caught doing that fuc…I mean stuff in their lab.”
I should be so damn lucky. Fucking kid is worst now that she has all these new uncles and aunts to spoil her demented ass.
At least once a week there’s a Fed Ex truck in my driveway delivering something for her to tinker with, because the SEALs and their women are convinced she’s some sort of prodigy and keep sending her shit.
My ass! I’m coming to believe more and more that Elena and her daughter in law are right. This one was sent here for the sole purpose of driving my ass nuts.
What her mother hasn’t achieved in all these years, her little five year old ass is trying her best to. It’s her smarts that scares me most of all. I know she’s got me beat and I’m no dummy. Fucking kid is going to keep me on my ass for the rest of my life.
I hear other people bragging about how intelligent their little spawns are and I wonder if they sleep with one eye open like I’ve had to learn to.
I’m convinced though, that there isn’t another like her anywhere in the world. I’m already fearing her teen years and the kid’s not even six yet. That just goes to show what kind of pressure I’m under.
I listened to her rattle on and on while paying attention to the road and hoping we made it through dinner without any mishaps. Fuck!
When she started in on the boyfriend shit I was ready to pull every damn hair out of my head.
“Catalina, how many times must I tell you? You don’t have a boyfriend, you can’t have one of those until you’re at least thirty-five.”
“Oh daddy that’s just silly. Mommy’s that age now and she has all of us already. Besides I don’t want to get married, I like all of them. Who’s gonna help me choose?”
That’s it, I’m sending her ass to a convent in Switzerland. Preferably something far from civilization with high security because sure as fuck she’d escape.
She’d probably burn the shit down. Now she was on some shit about her sister having a boyfriend so why can’t she. I felt a migraine coming on and the evening hadn’t even started. Fucking Kat…
I saw the boys coming up behind us on their rides and relaxed. Ever since I got tangled up with the SEALs and their fuckery I keep my kids and my wife under heavy guard.
If this shit goes on much longer I’m heading out on my own to end these fucks. Evil ass fuckers! The SEALs had cleaned up some of the mess but there was still more to be done and the shit was taking way too long for my liking.
If that’s not enough I still need to go see about Law’s shit. That’s why I don’t have friends, they always have some shit going on.
The one good thing about all these new people in our lives is that Kat now has other women she can gab with all damn day and stay her ass outta my shit.
Poor thing, I never allowed her to get close to anyone because I don’t trust people one fuck. At least with these women I knew she couldn’t get into shit because their men, like me, know how the fuck to train their women.
At least that’s what I’d thought in the beginning. But this bunch seems to be more trouble than Elena and her hen pack. Fucking females.
Mengele left off trying to send me to an early grave and moved on to her other favorite pastime, annoying the shit out of her sister.
“Catalina, stop kicking my seat please.” That’s polite. Too bad that shit don’t work on this one. “I’m not, I’m just swinging my feet. You’re just mad because daddy made you put away your phone.”
This fucking kid! This is the reason why at least once a week I have to save her from one of her siblings. Her mind is exceptional but she still needs daddy to save her ass from her brothers.
She poked her tongue out at her sister who turned around in her seat to glare at her. My sons had been on their best behavior a week ago, too excited about being out with their old man to get into shit.
The little beast on the other hand did everything you could possibly get up to in a damn moving vehicle. By the time we pulled into the restaurant parking lot I was ready to change states.
How can a five year old be this damn…everything? I looked back at her and she was sitting with her hands folded in her lap waiting for me to come get her. This kid!
Poor Caitiebear jumped out of the truck like she was escaping Alcatraz and I can’t say that I blame her. Mengele had just spent the last ten minutes harassing her.
“Wait up Bear!” I know it pisses her off that I wouldn’t let her even walk across the parking lot on her own but fuck, if she knew half the shit I know she’d understand.
The hard part is that I have to keep them protected from even knowing the dangers that surround them everyday so they don’t know that that shit’s out there. It’s a vicious cycle.
Kat keeps telling me that I can’t smother them and yadda-yadda-yadda. But I don’t know any other way to be. There’s no manual for this shit.
Besides, I baby her ass too so I don’t know what the fuck she thought was going to happen when she brought home girl children.
I let Mengele out the truck and she fixed her dress and patted her purse. I forgot to look for secret compartments in that shit.